The Great Pootastraphy of 2017.
The First Installment of Curt’s Crude Blog
Let me set the mood for ya.
We had just sold all of our belongings that didn’t fit into our truck bed, cleaned our townhouse and slept in sleeping bags in the living room because we shampooed the bedroom floor and wanted to get our entire deposit to help us with our first bout of self-inflicted homelessness. Two days before we were going to leave, I was getting second thoughts about my half ton standard cab truck being up to the task so we traded in both my half ton and Brittany’s 4Runner for a 2500HD GMC that was more than up to the job of pulling our new “home” around. Needless to say, we were very stressed out and we self-educated ourselves with Youtube videos to the point of saturation on how to take care of an RV. Brittany was concerned with water pressure and some indoor factors while I knew from DAY 1 that I was going to be dealing with the real shit(Yeah it’s a bad pun but I’m a bad writer so deal with it).
We left from Colorado and headed towards Idaho to what some would call “driveway surf”, we had a 20AMP plug and water connection. The 20amp connection was enough to run our AC and our microwave but not at the same time which we found out while trying to enjoy some chimichangas on a hot day. The water heater worked fine and we took showers often and would empty the grey water into a bucket that we could then pour out. Now as you RV’ers know, we had been using the black/shitter tank as well but obviously not dumping that anywhere. As we leave our “driveway surfing spot” we had an extremely full black tank and we felt a bit more confident in our ability to take care of ourselves existing in this new metal box.
On our first stop on the road up to northern Idaho, I being the “Poo-man”, decide that I only wanted to drain our grey tank at our campsite because we were only going to be there one night and I was kinda freaked out by dealing with sewage so I wanted to be comfortable for my virgin black tank dump.
The next day we pull into a great little campground outside of Mesa Falls in Idaho. We had a gorgeous view of the Grand Tetons(Which was named by the pervy French because they resemble boobs), a really great set of neighbors, a clean campground, and even an off-leash dog area. The campground was run by a nice man and his family and he personally introduced himself to us and let us know that he would be taking his first vacation in 5 years this weekend so we would be on our own. We felt absolutely welcomed at this campground and more importantly, I finally felt comfortable enough to dump my poop down this nice man’s septic system.
The morning of the poopocalypse two nice jolly middle-aged bearded guys parked next to us in an RV that I still don’t know how they both fit into. They had to do all their cooking outside and would spend most of the morning enjoying the view of those Grand Tetons. Little did they know, they had sealed their fate parking next to us.
I read the manual for the sewage system on the trailer three times now and was feeling confident so I hooked up my black tank flush hose and was ready to finally do it. All those hours of Youtube videos couldn’t have prepared me for what happened next… I pull that black handle on my sewage tank…. Woosh is all I hear and I see the 20ft of hose flex under the pressure of about 48 gallons rushing through it. I turn on the black tank flush hose and I’m watching the gross water come out of the tank through a “Youtuber suggested” clear elbow and my stomach drops. I realize that the 20 feet of shit filled hose is filled and not draining into the septic system. I think back to my hours of vlogger training and people telling me to make sure I always have a lot in the tank before I dump it so I double-down. I fill the black tank up with water from the flush valve and yank the valve with the conviction that I was smarter than that stupid poop in the pipe.
I looked down in horror at the clear elbow as I have now filled the entire hose and even part of my black tank with crap. At this point, I was beside myself and out of my league so, I figured I needed someone else to share in the blame for this impending disaster. I kept thinking that with enough pressure we would be able to move whatever kale-made monstrosity was holding everything up.
Sooo I kept putting water into the black tank and sent Brittany up on the roof to make sure I wasn’t just sending the sewage up to the roof vent and giving us the worst shower imaginable. I notice that finally, the hose is just starting to empty very little at a time, I tell Brittany this and she responds with “Yeah I think I know where it’s going…” while she’s pointing at the campsite across from us. Before I even look over I smell something so terrible I didn’t even want to turn my head to affirm that we had just created an entire lake of crap in the vacant campsite. I immediately let her know that we need to go inside and talk.
Once inside we give our nice campground owner a call to ask him what I could possibly do in this situation. I tell him the whole scenario and he responds with “Ohh you’re in site seven, aren’t you? Yeahh that happens a lot”. He then asks me if I could help him out by using a hose pig on the sewer opening and, desperate to fix the issue, I said I would do anything. So I get his hose and his “pig”, that in case you don’t know what a pig does, it expands and fills the opening then builds pressure in the system to hopefully press out whatever blockage. The good, if it works I will have fixed the problem and the poo lake at the other site will drain and hopefully dry up quickly, the bad if this doesn’t push out the blockage when I turn off the hose it will erupt like a three-day binge at Taco Bell all over me. Needless to say, after three attempts I was covered in single ply toilet paper and enough sewage to empty out my boots afterward. As I’m at my lowest point literally covered in crap and now standing in 4 inches of sewage I look over at the two guys next to us and all while this pootrastrophy has been going on they have endured with their shirts pulled over their noses and cooking hotdogs on a grill not 20 feet away from my disaster. They offer me a hotdog and at that point, I realized everybody’s got a black tank and RV’ers are some of the best people on the planet. We finally just called a plumber…