Big Man Little Box

The Third Installment of Curt’s Crude Blog

I have been called many names, Sasquatch, broad, big boned, gargantuan, ogre, Big Ass, Fat Ass, Fattest of Asses the list goes on.

Now I’m not a gigantic guy, I’m a modest 6’ 1” and a not so modest 270 lbs of American cheeseburger. I have at times been known to absolutely demolish a plastic lawn chair and have yanked a towel rack off the wall a time or two, or 13. Towel racks are usually held in by small drywall screws, which in my book are NOT BIG MAN certified.

What’s BIG MAN CERTIFIED, Curt? And why on earth are you typing in all caps?

Big Man Even smaller box

Well BMC is something that meets the rigorous standards of holding up my fat ass when I use it. An example of a BMC item would be a stupid expensive folding camping chair, yes it does cost as much as an entire prime rib from whole foods, but it has better quality parts that don’t make me feel like Chris Farley when I sit in it. Now, when you’re standing in line at Walmart and see those camping chairs for $9.99 in a cardboard bin by the checkout, those are an example of a NONE BMC item and are guaranteed to make your gluten tolerate friends uncomfortable to sit in.

All this being said, the trailer I have been living in for the past year is far from being BMC.

I knew going into this lifestyle that trailer life isn’t particularly friendly to the husky ones among us. Before we landed on our model we shopped around for a few months and got a feeling for what was going to work for us. Brittany is about the size where most women hate her at first glance and therefore could live out of anything, I, on the other hand, would get into every shower to see if I could stand up straight without having my head scrape on the ceiling. I also don’t fit through any RV doorways and will forever turn sideways out of muscle memory. Eventually, we found our model and I could stand in the shower and get around reasonably. We didn’t know what was going to receive Big Man Certification, but we did know not all the furniture was going to survive.

RIP our RV mattress and our Dinette…

Big Man RV Mattress

Now as some of you may know, recreational vehicles are not designed to be lived in fulltime. The mattress that came with our model was special as it was a “Full-Size Queen” instead of the obscure and usually expensive to replace “RV queen” which is shorter TheMoreYouKnow. While our mattress may have been normal sized in footprint, it wasn’t thiccc. Being a big man I crumpled many-o-mattresses in my day but this poor excuse for bedding only lasted a few months before we experienced the dreaded pit of misery in the middle of our cushion. We tried rotating the bed but my In-n-out burger loving ass collapsed any and all feeble excuse for springs that were in that mattress. We eventually replaced it after 6 months and have since been extremely happy with our foam mattress from Amazon.

Big Man Dinette

Our dinette was an unexpected casualty in our trailer. Looking at a dinette you’d think that the design would be decently strong, you basically sit on top of a box with a couple cushions behind and underneath you. Well, in a recreational vehicle they aren’t designed to be sat in “fulltime” and ours fell apart faster than HoneyBooBoo on a diet. By the time six months had gone by, the back was separating, the staples were falling out, and the wood underneath the cushion was cracked. So we rearranged the space and I now sit in my stupid expensive folding camping chair and write these dumb blog posts on a makeshift table.

The last thing I’d like to bring up is the sheer amount of movement the trailer feels when I walk around in it. I have stabilizers, I have wheel chocks, but nothing can stop this thing from bouncing around to every step I take. If I’m upset and walk to the other side of the trailer I can hear Brittany chant “Fee-fi-fo-fum Curt’s Big and He’s Dumb”. While I may not fit in this box as well as some others, I still wouldn’t give it up for the world as it has afforded me a lifestyle that I will forever cherish that I took advantage of before I had kids or any other major responsibilities.

If you don’t “like” or “share” this post then you’re fat shaming and I hope you feel terrible,

~Curtis~

If you’re wondering how the hell I ended up in a trailer traveling the United States check out my last self degrading post

If you’re a weirdo who likes stories about poop check out this “crappy” post

If you want an annoying email everytime I try and embarrass myself on the internet...

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